The last six months I’ve been fighting.
I’ve been fighting to keep my head above water.
It sounds like dead or life situations,
but it’s not really about dead or life.
It has felt that way, though.
You see, something has been ”off” with my health, and I’ve been fighting against my health to manage everything at school, at home with my family, with relations, and being a mom. I haven’t been able to live up to anyone’s expectations or demands: others expectations, demands, and MY expectations and demands.
Why?
Because I’ve had this picture in my mind that if I don’t, everything will fall apart.
Witch is, in fact, an illusion. I’ve thought of this illusion as a truth, when it was not. I felt that I had no choice but to meet these expectations, demands.
I know it is wrong (and not just with my common sense and with my mind, but with all of me). I sought God for answers, a way out, healing so I can be better. I’ve cried out, I’ve been angry, I’ve been desperate, and I’ve been so tired that I thought I couldn’t even form words together in a prayer –I’ve just let myself be in the Lords presence. But still, I’ve felt that there’s been no answer from up above.
I’ve felt abandoned, less worthy and all –just because of an illusion that I’ve put my trust in. Where I saw huge Goliath’s raising one after another before me, it surely seemed impossible.Like I started this post with: “I fought against my health to manage everything.”
But…
…I believe that God gives us strength beyond human resources if we ask for it. I also believe that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle
…I believe that he never leaves our side, even though it may feel like it sometimes
…I also believe that God always listen to us, with no exceptions.
…I believe that He answers all prayers, but I also believe that the answer won’t always be yes –for our own good.
But I know God has not said it will always be easy. He has said that it sometimes will be hard, but he will also guide us through it.
Sometimes that means He won’t take the pain or the challenges away, but he will help us get through it, or He will learn us to make choices, so we learn to get through life.
If our Lord always take the challenges away or always tells us what’s the right thing to do, we will never learn to be confident. We will never learn to make the right choices, and perhaps we will never learn to listen to what God says, or to understand what way He has to show you and me.
God speaks in many different ways, and He also speaks differently to each and one of us. We won’t learn to stop, tune out all that is happening around us, realize we are totally dependent on God, and really listen to what he has to tell to us; to give Him the chance to reveal Himself to us.
My challenge isn’t gone in any way. But I have taken a decision, several actually:
1. I’ve decided to pause, tune out the world to listen to my God.
In my situation, that pause includes taking a leave of absence from school, because the last 4 months (at least) I’ve forgotten my priorities. I’ve put school in front of every other priority. I’ve prioritized school before God, before my health (which have been screaming to me for a long time now), before my marriage, before my family, and before absolutely everything. Which has resulted in a totally empty fuel tank.
2. I set my eyes on God, and not on the world anymore. It has to do with my attitude.
I can let myself drown in all the worlds complaint over me, MY complaints over what I can’t achieve, what “everyone else” seem to achieve, OR I can look at what God says about me, about the world and really focus on doing HIS will. That way I will be able to really listen to what His plans over my life is. Because there will be no better plan than that one, the one He has for me.
3. I’ve decided to treat myself as His temple,
which I haven’t at all in a long time. I am His bride, together with my sisters and brothers, and I need to prepare myself for that. To do that I have to start taking care of my self again. That way I will also be better able to nourish my marriage, take care for my family after God’s will, and other relations.
4. I want to get closer to God.
And of course there are lots of ways to do that, which I have described more in the “Are YOU in Christ”-series.
This is not any New Years resolution or a list full of practical things to do to improve my life for myself or “Now I’m going to change that, and that and that, because THEN my life will be perfect”. The grass may always look greener on the other side, and it easy to never feel happy or grateful if one keeps thinking that way.
No, this is a change of attitude and a change of view that has already happened in me.
I have set my eyes and trust to God (again), and stopped depending on myself.
It is not an attitude I will get, or will work on changing. It is something that has changed in me already, that I will work on keeping.
And when that changed, I saw the world with new eyes.
It is as different as night and day. I still have good days and bad days. I have plenty of days that I feel I can’t get out of bed, but somehow I still do (it just take a little more time).
I’ve welcomed God’s mercy. I can just be held.
I don’t have more energy than before, but I am using my little energy where it should be used. I’m released from my chains, I am preapproved, and I am happy! But with this new view, a lot of practical changes will follow. It’s only natural.
When a person ask Jesus into his or her life, it is impossible to do that without it being followed by many changes in that life.
It’s because The Holy Spirit lives in us and changes us every minute, every hour, every day of our lives.
It’s just not so easy to notice all of those changes when you’re in the middle of it ;)
I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker’s Five minute Friday,
and Jenifer Dukes Lee’s Tell His Story this week.
Click on the buttuns to find out more, or to join:
avasophie 