I told my husband last Saturday what to write in this post. I had it all figured out…I thought. I had figured something out in my mind, that I thought I had accomplished into practical living. I thought…I hadn’t. I couldn’t write this post until today, because I wasn’t finished with the lesson God had for me.
I once was at a depression course. A course, not to learn to be depressed or facts about depression, but a course about freeing yourself from a depression. One of the things I learned at the course was to live in the present. We heard the saying:
“learn from yesterday,
Live for today
and hope for tomorrow”
The point was to only look back on the past to avoid making the same mistakes. The past is over. There is nothing more you can do with the past except from preventing history to repeat itself. So don’t dwell on the past. Move on, and keep your eyes on today. Today is the day that matters, because today is the only thing you’ve got. Today is the only day you can make a difference, whether it is in your life, in your family, with friends, in your country or even the world. We hope for tomorrow to be able to dream big, to be able to do more for today, to have a goal and something to stretch towards. BUT, if we start living for tomorrow, we have lost something mayor. The present. Today.
I would say I understood what I was taught about this. But maybe because I wasn’t saved at the time I learned this, or maybe because this teaching didn’t have anything to do with God’s word, anyway, it wasn’t until God showed me this week I fully understand about living in the present. What I was taught at that course was to live in the present for my own good, at that’s something. It is good to take care of myself. but at the course it was a focus about the individual that was not the healthiest. And quite frankly, it helped me, but it couldn’t free me from the past, and it didn’t prevent me from living for tomorrow. And believe me when I say so: it wasn’t because I didn’t work hard enough with my thoughts, focus, or attitude.
It was because what I was taught was missing something crucial. 1st of all, I can’t do anything on my own. I believe I can, I can see progress, but I won’t get anywhere on my own. As I see back to that time when I tried to fight the depression on my own(with help from the course), I see that there is a huge progress. I also see God where I was blinded before. I see that God worked with me, walked with me, and helped me along the way. I see the consequences of God’s interference when I see the progress now.
If you are not a christian and don’t believe in God, this may seem like bullshit to you, or you may think that “that girl manage to see God everywhere, just because she has decided to see him. Faith is just a mind trick on yourself.” At least that is what I thought about some of the sayings that came from one of my christian friends many years ago. Well, I wish I could see God everywhere. But I don’t, because I am only a human and there is so much I don’t know yet, there is too many times I fail to see God just because I forget to look up when I am down. Because I can’t see the real present. All right, I have a habit of writing long posts, so I’ll get to the point now.
The point is, we can’t really escape the past and only look at the past to learn…before God has forgiven our past.
We can’t only hope for tomorrow and dream big without living for tomorrow… before we’ve accepted Gods gift of eternal life.
We can’t live completely in the present… unless we live it with God. Unless we live the present for God.
Part of the last week, I’ve sort of hidden myself away. I didn’t want to speak to anyone, I just wanted to rest or watch a movie or something that could distract me. I had many really swollen mosquito bites all over my body, in addition to quite intense pain in all of my stomach. I was sick, most of the time I was sure that I would throw up( I didn’t, but it felt like it), at the same time It was especially hurtful when I moved my body. Every time I ate, it was like my body wanted to punish me. I’m not sure what was going on, either I had a food poisoning or a stomach virus.
Anyway, when I don’t feel well, I like to hide. I don’t want anyone to see me that way, I don’t want anyone to speak to me, because I am afraid I wont be polite to them, and I also feel I don’t deserve any comfort, compassion or help when I am like this. I don’t have all the answers to “why?” on this one, but I know there is a bad habit in all of that, that needs to be changed ASAP: God is love, through and through. He is compassion, He is comfort and He WANTS to have my permission to help me. Since I feel I don’t deserve this, I shut out God as well as anyone else. Luckily I have the most wonderful husband that don’t take no for an answer and make sure I eat, drink water, give me comfort and encouragement no matter how much I try to shut him out. And I am convinced(though I know my husband is a wonderful man), that God use my husband to give me the comfort and care that I need, by giving my husband a patience that amazes me, and grace to keep being good to me when I shut him out. But even though God cares for me through my husband when I shut him out, and my husband keep caring for me when I shut him out as well, it is bad. As long as I shut out God, I cannot live in the present, and my present feels bad, because I don’t let God be as close as He should be,(and wants to be). PS! It is not good to shut my husband out either, or anybody else for that matter, but I got to start the change with God first.
My husband and I figured out we needed to start the day by having a one-to-one time with God by ourselves first, and then spending time with God together as a couple(as ONE), to better the way we treat ourselves, each others and people we meet during the day. But most importantly to give everything over to God, to give God the permission to interfere in our lives, so the day and our life will be the best possible. To give ourselves(and the control) over to God. To release the pain we’re feeling(either it is physical or mental) by giving it to God.
THEN, and only then, we can live in the present, like God intended us to.
I must admit that yesterday my prayer to God was not surrendering to God. My prayer wasn’t wholehearted. It went something like this: “Oh God! I don’t like this, I don’t like the pain, I don’t like feeling this way, I don’t like to be this way or act this way. I really want to be led by you and to do what you say, but today I also want to just watch movies so I can distract myself. I don’t have the strength or will today, to give up watching the movies. Please help me to choose you and give myself over to you, lord, because today I am selfish, and I can’t(“or won’t?” a whisper in my head replied) do it by myself…”
Today, my mind was set on giving praise and time to God right after I had eaten breakfast. And I did. I don’t know how long I sat there with God, I’m guessing it might have been 45 minutes or so. My plan was only to sit there at least 15 minutes, and really focus on God, go all in, wholeheartedly. And I did. It was a little hard, and wonderful and all at once. God showed me how the last days were sinful against Him and My husband. Not because it is sinful to watch a bunch of movies while being sick, and not because not being polite all the time or expressing the pain is sinful, or even feeling sorry for myself is sinful. It was sinful because I didn’t let God in, and because I showed with all of me, my actions, my attitude, my priorities, that God was not the most important to me these days.
A few weeks ago I saw a movie that illustrated how spending time with or prioritize God(or your husband/wife) shows that you love Him/them, as well as not spending time with or prioritize them shows that they are not the 1st love in your life. At the end of the movie, after having “experienced” this in action, we got the conclusion loud and clear: what you spend your time on, reflect the priorities and the love of the heart.
This time, as well, I really thought I understood what I was “taught”. Yet I did the same mistake only a few weeks later-this week. So it was a little hard to realize this in my conversation with God, but also wonderful because God forgives, and he gave me the courage to confess and ask my husband to forgive me. It was wonderful, because being in god’s presence always is uplifting and He showed me some other tools in the bible how to keep close to Him and how to prevent these sort of things in the future.
Also, I need to remember that Jesus said:
“The spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the Gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord.”
– Luke 4:18-19(*Isaiah 49:8-9, 61:1-2)
‘Cause today he preached the gospel to me, he healed my broken heart, my deceptiveness was delivered, he opened my eyes and he gave me mercy.
I really am getting worse on keeping it down to five minute writing…well, I’ve heard that practice makes the master, or something like that…;)